No longer Human

There is a terrible dysfunction that sometimes happens to people once we get behind a camera, everything that happens in front of us seems a little less real when filtered thru this lens. We become divorced from life, one step farther away from reality we become third party participants in our own life. Once you have a camera in front of your face you are no longer the same person, you become an observer not an actor. Sometimes all that happens looking at life thru your camera is that you act less, you live less. It becomes night unto impossible with a camera to climb a tree, too jump off of hoodoo’s or to pick up a game of Frisbee, however there is also a darker problem with the idea of disassociating with life behind a camera.

There are so many stories that we hear that are sobering in what we as humanity are capable of. I read this article today there are two videos at the end, the first video was interesting and worth watching. I, However, could not bring myself to watch the second video mentioned.

Imagine, to be laying there in pain, abused, broken, dying.   Fortunately there is someone else there, someone to offer help, or if it is too late for that, comfort. But no, no they are no longer human, and the last thing you see before you fade out is a stranger coldly standing over you recording your last breaths.

Perhaps it would have been better to slip slowly into darkness, Alone.

Without our humanity we are nothing.

I wait

Forgotten, boxed up, missed for a moment. Ignored.

Then found, found but still lost, picked up, Noticed.

Taken to that place of lost founds.

Given a place, this home is not my home.

Yet redemption is possible.

A cursory examination which leads to a recognition, a remembered history. Oh there you are Peter.

So I wait

You left me and I had to learn how to live without you. But now I know; now I know I don’t need you.

Yet I wait

At the beginning you carried me everywhere. I was with you there and always. I am lost because you needed me, because I was always found. It took just a moment, a flicker of light, a momentary distraction.

Here I wait

Not enough value to pick up, too much to throw away. Only of worth for our shared history. If you saw me after so much time would I be more lost or more found.

But now I know; now I know I don’t need you. But can you return? Perhaps, but never again is there inseparability. We both know now You don’t need me.

Still I wait

Swarms of Thought

How many of my thoughts, born in a moment of ecstasy, fly around for a day or two and then fall lifeless to the ground. How much of what I think, of what I am will become just words on a page, heaping death in piles around my life. So much life forgotten and ignored. No one cares about these children of my mind. So much wasted effort, so much hidden self. How can I do anything more? Death loves me.

And now the work of resurrection begins

Bless this Mess

There are 5 kinds of prayer; Praise, Thanksgiving, Confession/Seeking Forgiveness, Supplication/Seeking help for self, Intercessory/Seeking help for others.

I didn't do an exhaustive search, but I only found one reference to prayers over food in the Old Testament. Found in the books of Moses, of law

Deuteronomy 8
10 When thou hast eaten and art full, then thou shalt bless the Lord thy God for the good land which he hath given thee.
11 Beware that thou forget not the Lord thy God, in not keeping his commandments, and his judgments, and his statutes, which I command thee this day:
12 Lest when thou hast eaten and art full, and hast built goodly houses, and dwelt therein;
13 And when thy herds and thy flocks multiply, and thy silver and thy gold is multiplied, and all that thou hast is multiplied;
14 Then thine heart be lifted up, and thou forget the Lord thy God, which brought thee forth out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage;
15 Who led thee through that great and terrible wilderness, wherein were fiery serpents, and scorpions, and drought, where there was no water; who brought thee forth water out of the rock of flint;
16 Who fed thee in the wilderness with manna, which thy fathers knew not, that he might humble thee, and that he might prove thee, to do thee good at thy latter end;
17 And thou say in thine heart, My power and the might of mine hand hath gotten me this wealth.
18 But thou shalt remember the Lord thy God: for it is he that giveth thee power to get wealth, that he may establish his covenant which he sware unto thy fathers, as it is this day.
19 And it shall be, if thou do at all forget the Lord thy God, and walk after other gods, and serve them, and worship them, I testify against you this day that ye shall surely perish.

Here we are told to prayer after we eat and give blessings to the lord. We are told to pray and give praise to the lord so that we do not forget him, for the consequence of forgetting the lord is that we shall surely perish. However, reading thru these verses and the fact that we are told to pray after we have eaten, rather then before. I think we are being warned of a human trait to forget the lord when we are no longer in need. We easily forget to pray in praise and thanksgiving. So we are told, when we have eaten and are full and no longer are in need of sustenance, when we are living in a nice house, when we have wealth, then is when we need to make sure to remember the lord.

In the New Testament Christ himself prays (Mark 8:7, Matthew 14:19 and John 6:11) before he breaks bread to feed the multitude of thousands. And his prayer is stated as 'giving thanks'. Also during the Last Supper, Christ also prayed and gave thanks, before the breaking of the bread.

1 Corinthians 11
23 For I have received of the Lord that which also I delivered unto you, That the Lord Jesus the same night in which he was betrayed took bread:
24 And when he had given thanks, he brake it, and said, Take, eat: this is my body, which is broken for you: this do in remembrance of me.
25 After the same manner also he took the cup, when he had supped, saying, This cup is the new testament in my blood: this do ye, as oft as ye drink it, in remembrance of me.
26 For as often as ye eat this bread, and drink this cup, ye do shew the Lord’s death till he come.

Here the last supper echoes the sayings of Deuteronomy 8, as you take the sacraments you do it in remembrance 'ye do shew the Lord's death till he comes', you proclaim Christ until he returns. Paul keeps the tradition of prayers of thanksgiving during mealtimes in Acts 27:35 (And when he had thus spoken, he took bread, and gave thanks to God in presence of them all: and when he had broken it, he began to eat.) Or in his first epistle to Timothy 4:4-5 (4 For every creature of God is good, and nothing to be refused, if it be received with thanksgiving: 5 For it is sanctified by the word of God and prayer.)

Prayers at meal times are there to train us to remember the lord always. The prayers are less about the meals over which they happen but about our recognization of our place before the Lord, that from him all things flow.

Romans 11:36 (For of him, and through him, and to him, are all things: to whom be glory for ever. Amen)

The Virtue of Selfishness

I wish to explore a couple ideas about leadership that have been bouncing around in my head lately. And the question I wish to explore is this “Is there such a thing as a truly selfless leader?”

I think I need to start with some definitions and a scale.

Rational self-interest is taking as it’s assumption that man will choose as a course of action a pursuit of their passions and what brings them happiness. However it is not complete selfishness for it disallows the individual to pursue happiness when it damages the abilities of others in their pursuits of happiness.

Selfishness--- Self-interest ---------------------------------Selflessness

|--------------------|------------------------------------------------------|

------------....----- ^------------------(Leadership)-----------------^

Here we have a scale on the one side we have complete selfishness and on the other complete selflessness. In the middle somewhere is Rational Self-Interest. Rational self-interest is at the far end of the leadership scale, for once a man places his own interests too high, he falls into egotism and begins to abuse of others.

If we get close to either end of this spectrum we become less and less productive as a leader. And it comes to a point where we cannot operate as a leader at all.

A selfless person ignores his own desires and dreams and pursues another’s dreams. This causes an inability to lead. These selfless servants cannot act alone. They have given up their own individual desires and need another person to come along so that they can have a shared goal to become passionate about. And so these selfless people switch from borrowed passion to borrowed passion as they move from person to person.

To become a leader you need to have a degree of selfishness, you need a dream and a purpose that drives you into sacrificing other less important desires, both of the self and of others. The farther to the left one gets the more the more they sacrifice towards their purposes and the faster and farther they move. They become less concerned with making certain people can follow and keep up but the increased fire ignites a great many others to follow along in their wake. We see the passion of a great leader, and this passion is addicting and causes others to become excited and to begin to hold that passion as their own. This unites people in the dreams of the leader.

Those people we see making great strides that we look to for inspiration, have learned how to use their selfish natures to bring about great good. We love these great leaders, these our selfish heroes.

Rebirth

"Thinking is not an automatic function. In any hour and issue of his life, man is free to think or to evade that effort. Thinking requires a state of full, focused awareness. The act of focusing one's consciousness is volitional. Man can focus his mind to a full, active, purposefully directed awareness of reality—or he can unfocus it and let himself drift in a semiconscious daze, merely reacting to any chance stimulus of the immediate moment, at the mercy of his undirected sensory-perceptual mechanism and of any random, associational connections it might happen to make." Ayn Rand

I have found this quote and I had never considered that the habit of non-action extends all the way down into the choice to think. This quote is terrible and great for verily it is something I agree with but at the same time it also slaps me across the face with my own failings. Perfection is going to be a difficult mountain to scale.

Family trouble and the worth of a Friend

I have had arguments with the idea of family, not the actual family unit (don’t worry mom I plan on having one of my own one day) but of focus and familial exclusion. It begins, actually, before family does in a place where you can probably all still agree with me. Most of us have experienced this or at the very least seen it. Romance ruins friendships.

Dating (or courtship for you archaic folk) is a dangerous battleground and friends are the pawns, constantly being sacrificed for the greater good. Pawns are limited in their capabilities but if developed far enough they transform into a queen. Umm this analogy is getting away from itself. However without pawns the game of chess would not be pleasant at all. Okay, Moving on.

Some claim that there is no such thing as a truly platonic relationship. And provided it is a friendship with the gender to which you are attracted I think I just might agree. As friends you are always either developing love or losing it. And somewhere along the way someone proposes the idea of romance. This opens people up for rejection and hurt which more often then not drives them away. Or alternately, if by some miracle they are not rejected they become a couple, and if pursued long enough leads to marriage and the inevitable ignorance of previous friends. Romance and Family lead to exclusion, family destroys friendship by placing a new object/desire/goal that did not exist before which supersedes those wonderful friend relationships.

This replacement of friends with family becomes an issue with which I fight, for I place a great deal of importance and value in friends, so much so that I wish I could bring them all with me. Picking just one person and becoming sealed to them, leads to an exclusion of others. This idea in my opinion seems wrong. But this is the way it is. If you have chosen to spend the rest of eternity sealed to another person then you should place them above all others. You do not screw around with a relationship like that; it leads to eternal consequences one of which may be to remain single forever. This is less of an issue if one was to believe in soul mates, having one person specifically suited to you. And with fate conspiring for your good you will have a happy forever. However if you are like me and believe that any two people with enough effort can and will create an eternal felicity, then that throws the options and opportunities wide open provided both parties can put in the proper effort. So if friend A, friend B, random stranger C and ex-girlfriend D all have the same potential then choosing one certainly further excludes the others. For you have rejected them with your choice, It becomes even harder to remain friends with A when you have chosen C. Because A was an option ultimately unchosen that might leave the door open for what ifs, just maybes and all that rubbish.

Are friends really worth so little? Sure we need to develop that important relationship with spouse. But what about parents we leave them and cleave to another yet we remain sealed with them. When you have as great a group of friends as I possess you never want to lose any of them. Not now before I die nor in the eternities after. Why can we not have a unit somewhere between where friends are and where family begins. One of the core doctrines we preach is that families can be together forever, and we are sealed and united for such a goal. But where does that leave me and my friends? Why are blood relations so important and those relations with friends which we go out of our way to develop and cultivate, be throw to the side. To all of my friends, I love you!! I am not satisfied with a till marriage us do part, nor even a till death us do part. Promise me, my friends, to join me in eternity, I hope it is enough that I consider you family. May God look upon us and allow us this great honor.

Becoming Saviors (part 5)

Brigham Young once said that he wishes that every member would be a prophet, God’s work is to make man into gods. Does the Savior also wish us to become saviors? What does it mean to become saviors?

“In our preexistent state, in the day of the great council, we made a[n] … agreement with the Almighty. The Lord proposed a plan. … We accepted it. Since the plan is intended for all men, we became parties to the salvation of every person under that plan. We agreed, right then and there, to be not only saviors for ourselves but … saviors for the whole human family. We went into a partnership with the Lord. The working out of the plan became then not merely the Father’s work, and the Savior’s work, but also our work. The least of us, the humblest, is in partnership with the Almighty in achieving the purpose of the eternal plan of salvation.”

“That places us in a very responsible attitude towards the human race. By that doctrine, with the Lord at the head, we become saviors on Mount Zion, all committed to the great plan of offering salvation to the untold numbers of spirits. To do this is the Lord’s self-imposed duty, this great labor his highest glory. Likewise, it is man’s duty, self-imposed, his pleasure and joy, his labor, and ultimately his glory.” (“The Worth of Souls,” The Utah Genealogical and Historical Magazine, Oct. 1934, p. 189.) John A. Widtsoe

We agreed to be not only saviors for ourselves but saviors for the whole human family. Becoming a savior, this is no easy goal. If we examine the life of The Savior we can see that he wept, sorrowed, prayed, grieved and suffered for us. In our process to become a savior after the example of Christ must we also suffer for others?

Charity is the final and highest virtue of the divine nature. If we truly wish to become as the savior we must learn to love others as he loved us. “The world today speaks a great deal about love, and it is sought by many. But the pure love of Christ differs greatly from what the world thinks of love. Charity never seeks selfish gratification. The pure love of Christ seeks only the eternal growth and joy of others.” Ezra Taft Benson – Godly Characteristics of the Master. We must learn to give freely, and not just giving till it hurts, but giving even though it hurts and then continuing to give, giving if necessary for all eternity.

Giving charity opens us up to suffering, the suffering of rejection, of love ignored and squandered. This is suffering the giving of oneself, that deep personal self that comes straight from the heart, and to have that rejected by those whom you care so much for.

Every one of us has our own personal war in heaven and we must choose a side. Do we choose selfless sacrifice and a path of choice, pain, suffering and sorrow and give up the glory to God. Or do we reject that idea. Do we become selfish and choose as Satan a path where there is no pain because there is no joy, no suffering because there is no love, and no growth because there is no choice, no charity. “For many will reject exaltation in the celestial kingdom, not because they do not want the joy that can be had there, but because they are unwilling to pay the price, being willing to suffer for and serve a posterity as God has served us. Exaltation depends on how much you are willing to give.” Becoming Saviors on Mount Zion – Gordon C. Thomasson

What are we willing to give? Christ gave us his life and then gave us his death to make us able to return home. Christ was a perfect being, as a mortal he was living a celestial worthy life, this then must be how celestial beings act. We hear that if man were to just care more about each other we would not need governments, no laws, no poor, and none dying of hunger or war. All that is required is giving up self, but who will take care of my self if I do not do it? While we maintain a concern for self we reject the celestial kingdom, in a mistaken effort to not lose ourselves we lose everyone else instead.

Even as I am (part four)

As we travel through this existence which we call life we are faced with decisions and choices every day. Both big choices and small ones, how we respond to each and every one of these choices and opportunities changes us, if only just slightly. Effectual and permanent change to one’s character is a slow and often deliberate process. We are told to not procrastinate the day of repentance, for we may find that we no longer have the time or ability to make the changes that are required and rid ourselves of some of the most troublesome of addictions, such as pride, selfishness, and procrastination. Thus it is imperative that we have a knowledge of where we are going. With our eyes on a goal then as we make these small changes to ourselves we slowly get a little closer to where we wish to be. Without a directed path the choices we make change us according to whim, luck or possibly indigestion.

Since salvation and exaltation require not only the grace of Christ, but also action and effort on our part then we have to adjust ourselves to make certain we live worthy of that salvation which we desire. So what are our goals? What do we wish to strive for, and what goals need to be part of our life in order to achieve exaltation and godhood?

“This progress toward eternal life is a matter of achieving perfection. Living all the commandments guarantees total forgiveness of sins and assures one of exaltation through that perfection which comes by complying with the formula the Lord gave us. In his Sermon on the Mount he made the command to all men: “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” (Matt. 5:48) Being perfect means to triumph over sin. This is a mandate from the Lord. He is just and wise and kind. He would never require anything from his children which was not for their benefit and which was not attainable. Perfection therefore is an achievable goal.” (Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness 208-209)

“When I ponder what kind of men and boys we should be as priesthood holders, I cannot help but think of the Savior’s questions to the Nephite twelve when He asked, “Therefore, what manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am” (3 Ne. 27:27).

To be like the Savior—what a challenge for any person! He is a member of the Godhead. He is the Savior and Redeemer. He was perfect in every aspect of His life. There was no flaw nor failing in Him. Is it possible for us as priesthood holders to be even as He is? The answer is yes. Not only can we, but that is our charge, our responsibility. He would not give us that commandment if He did not mean for us to do it.” (Godly Characteristics of the Master, Ezra Taft Benson)

Here both Ezra Taft Benson and Spencer W. Kimball state that perfection should be one of these goals. For not only will it develop in us the qualities that are required to become gods, but also that it is reasonable and achievable. This is a huge change in outlook for me because perfection is usually an idea I see as being beyond us mere mortals, being beyond the grasp of man, especially myself. Fortunately, however, we are not left to our own devices, God is there distributing both instructions and assistance. Therefore we can say, with God anything is possible. Even perfection.

The apostle Peter teaches us about the process of attaining the attributes of a god.

“Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.

And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge;

And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;

And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity” (2 Pet. 1:4–7).

All of these attributes could use a little exploring, especially interesting is that the end of the process is charity. But for now we are going to skip all that and go straight to the promise give to us in verse 8

“For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

This is an incredible promise, for I often feel impotent and useless. But here not only do we have a pathway for exaltation, but also the promise that you will be productive and useful. Enduring to the end once seen as a depressive effort looks, no longer, like a process of just struggling to survive, but of a happy time of productive pursuits and growth.

Democracy is Broken

There is something fundamentally wrong with democracy and I will show you why. Go to youtube and look up a video, any video. Now read the comments.
These people are allowed to vote.

Please, please. Save us from ourselves!

Needing more then Christ (part three)

I had this next post all written up and figured out when I suddenly came to a realization of what I had stated in my last post. I had until now completely lost myself in the art of Orwellian doublethink. I had sat there and knew that justification thru Christ was enough, yet I also knew that we need to receive our ordinances and prove worthy to attain salvation. But these thoughts do not fit together. How did I come to not only ignore this cognitive dissonance but to accept it as normal? Perhaps I need to examine my beliefs a little more closely. Here is a quote by Spencer W. Kimball that spells out what I had missed.

“One of the most fallacious doctrines originated by Satan and propounded by man is that man is saved alone by the grace of God; that belief in Jesus Christ alone is all that is needed for salvation.” (Miracle of Forgiveness p.206-207)

Wow those are some pretty strong words stating that Christ and his grace are not enough. This failure to recognize the omnipotence of the grace of Christ is perhaps what keeps us separated from the rest of Christianity. We believe in a different salvation. We have the vocabulary of Christianity, but a new set of definitions. Salvation, Exaltation, eternal life, complete salvation. So how are we different? Well, we separate salvation to coincide with our belief in the three heavens. Salvation is not enough for us; we do not remain content with merely living with God but claim and desire to become gods and to become joint heirs and equals with God.

“This is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.” (John 17:3)

We need to get to know God, for this is Eternal Life, or exaltation. Why do we need to know God? Joseph Smith states, in The King Follett discourse, this about the knowledge of God.

“Let us here observe, that three things are necessary, in order that any rational and intelligent being may exercise faith in God unto life and salvation.

First, The idea that he actually exists.

Secondly, A correct idea of his character, perfections and attributes.

Thirdly, An actual knowledge that the course of life which he is pursuing, is according to his will.” (King Follett Discourse, Joseph Smith)

And further,

“You have got to learn how to be Gods yourselves, and to be kings and priests to God.” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 346.)

Here Joseph Smith brings up this belief of our becoming Gods and emphasizes our responsibility in this life. We need to learn about god so that we can learn how to become god. This leads to some theologically thorny ground, for we both need to accept grace but we also demand works. We need to earn our salvation by righteous living and attaining knowledge. But man can not be justified or perfected by his own works but by faith in Christ. (Man cannot earn salvation by his own merits; if he could he would become his own savior and be able to worship himself.) Faith in Christ and Righteous living, these are two separate qualifications that we must meet to achieve Eternal Life, one is not without the other.

Being my savior

Ok, sorry I am distracting myself from the third part of my exegesis but look I found something to distract you too. It is taken from The Marriage of Reason and Nightmare by Theodore Dalrymple

"The British state, for its part, is able to bully and regulate at will, thanks to technology—yet it seems to carry out these actions for their own sake, not for any higher purpose. The privatization of morality is so complete that no code of conduct is generally accepted, save that you should do what you can get away with; sufficient unto the day is the pleasure thereof. Nowhere in the developed world has civilization gone so fast and so far into reverse as here, at least to the extent to which civilization is made up of the small change and amenities of life."

Distractions with Dostoyevsky

“Never be frightened at your own faint-heartedness in attaining love. Don’t be too frightened even at your evil actions. I am sorry I can say nothing more consoling to you, for love in action is a harsh and dreadful thing compared with love in dreams. Love in dreams is greedy for immediate action, rapidly performed and in the sight of all. Men will even give their lives if only the ordeal does not last long but is soon over, with all looking on and applauding as though on the stage. But active love is labor and fortitude.”(Brothers Karamazov - Fyodor Dostoyevsky)

Man has this malady of being passionate in theory. Dreaming passionately but living in complacency and listlessness. In me this takes a form where I quite often prefer anticipation of something more then that something itself. I get excited to see a movie and that anticipation is much more satisfying then actually watching said movie. This is why I prefer to cook a meal on a date rather then going out to eat, or why the first kiss is so much better then the rest especially when said kiss is illicit in nature.

Our idea of passion is slightly flawed in that passion alone cannot sustain itself. Passion becomes impatient and burns out quickly. The euphoric preoccupation that comes with passion will over time, succumb to a sense of familiarity and boredom. How can we expect to sustain a job, a relationship or a goal on passion? Certainly there can remain enjoyment but it becomes commonplace, normal and expected.

Sometime we may have to learn that to really pursue a passion that we will also have to toil thru times of drudgery and despondency. Times when passion has momentarily fled and being able to say I want this even without the rush of rainbows brought on by passion.

Avoiding Salvation (part two)

Salvation seems to be universal, even though there are a few conditions.

Outright rejection of the Holy Ghost, the Lord and all goodness and becoming as a son of perdition.

“All sins and all blasphemies, every transgression, except one, that man can be guilty of, may be forgiven; and there is salvation for all men, either in this world or the world to come, who have not committed the unpardonable sin.” (The King Follett Discourse – Joseph Smith)

Even though there is never a time when the spirit is too old to approach God there are some things that need to be done here in this physical realm. We have the requirements of ordinances. I am unsure as to why these are necessary but they are so essential that if we miss these ordinances when we are alive then they must be done in proxy for us after our death. Missing out on salvation because of lack of ordinances I don’t actually consider a valid reason, for we are incapable of falling prey to it. These ordinances are guaranteed to be done for all those who are dead and need it.

“This doctrine presents in a clear light the wisdom and mercy of God in preparing an ordinance for the salvation of the dead… Those Saints who neglect it in behalf of their deceased relatives, do it at the peril of their own salvation.” (History of the Church 4: 425-26)

Rejecting the Holy Ghost, refusing the ordinances, or neglecting the salvation of others. The only way that universal salvation is taken from us is by our own choice.

Breaking the Rules (part one)

How many rules are so firm that we cannot make exceptions for them? Every rule seems to have an exception. Nephi slaying Laban, or that women should cover their heads and keep silent in church. Even the word of wisdom is “adapted to the capacity of the weak and the weakest of saints,” (D+C 89:3) and is not an immutable law but a guiding rule for our time. Rules are put in place to direct us from where we stand towards god and heaven. As Paul states “It is good neither to eat flesh, nor drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak” (Romans 14:21). If rules fail to point us to God then they are useless and we become as the Sadducees and Pharisees during the time of Christ. Sure they kept the law but the law no longer pointed towards God and therefore lacked the powers of salvation.

But what is salvation and, by extension, what is exaltation. How do we distinguish between the two? And most importantly how do we achieve them? I was arguing with the idea of how the church teaches its members to become exalted. The church has a role to bring the gospel to mankind. And so is focused on teaching the basics of truth and salvation. I have at times past optioned the idea that we should create an advanced Sunday school where we can explore greater depths and move beyond salvation into exaltation. This however may be a false presumption and may not lead where I wish it to go.

And so over the course of an as yet undetermined number of posts I will explore this idea.

Clarity

I was driving into Lethbridge. It was later in the evening, you know that particular time when the sun has just gone down, when everything is darkening but not yet dark and you flick on your headlights. They don't help but you feel better with them on. On this night I was afflicted with a state of glum introspection. And while contemplating I became strangely captivated by the lights of the oncoming traffic. Here were these brilliant points of light, moving along dark road, they like I had somewhere to be. These were my brothers, my comrades, making our ways to our respective goals. Sure we had different paths to take but we were sharing a common pursuit. As our paths briefly crossed we were friends. yet my melancholic reverie persisted. A persistent beast it is.

But then everything changed, with a haste unimaginable everything was different. There in front of me sat a thing, a thing that so thoroughly hijacked my senses and captured my mind. There behind the cars and above the road lay the sky. Suddenly the night was no longer dark, and I became elated. And slightly ashamed. For the sky did not at that moment suddenly spring into existence, but I had failed until that time to see it. In my reflexive state and with my focus upon my immediate tasks there did not exist a sky. It lay right behind what I saw, I stared towards it and it did not exist. But it sat with patience and waited, waited for me to notice. To discover.

So I apologize to all my friends, and to all those that I have loved, or more importantly who have loved me. I apologize for anytime that you have felt shunted, ignored, ridiculed, passed over, forgotten, and disappointed. But mostly I apologize for all those times I remained apathetic when I should have been shouting, laughing smiling and crying. When you felt pain and I let you, when you felt sad and I left you.

It's official we are all freeking nuts

Ok, this is bizarre and slightly disturbing. Is this a sign of how socialistic the world is becoming, when not only are we told what we cannot smoke, but now also what we must.

I am now finding a rock to hide under, after everyone else dies of lung cancer perhaps I will come out.

Officially Nonplussed

Today I spent the evening with a friend and his family, during the evening his little brother, who I would place at 5 possibly 6, came up and stated in that slightly slurred speech of a child not able to enunciate properly "Not to be mean, but seriously, you are weird."

Uh, eeh wow, Well. I suppose that settles it. Giving up, giving in, shutting up and shutting down. I love you all, goodnight and farewell.

three things

I have heard mention that i often come across as dark and depressive. This may be true as i often feel like writing when such moods strike me. I also like the starnge dark humor that crops up in it, even if i am the only one who see's it. So i decided i was going to take a cue from my good friend Raine and occasionally write three things which i love.

1. Waking up early on a sunny morning and not being rushed to get out of bed.

2. A firm squeeze on the shoulder by the hand of a man i respect.

3. Fire, the warmth of it on a cold winters day, the look of it during a dark night, and the smell of it, when it is not burning down your house.

Trials

When God know you are capable of more and is just convincing you of it.

The sign of a heart two sizes too small.

The more I explore the concept of who I am the more I realize how deeply entrenched the lies I tell myself run. Who am I? Oddly enough I am an emotional broken man. But you could never tell by looking at me. How do I expect others to see thru to me and then on thru me, to what I can no longer find. I physically injure myself and I bite my tongue, someone offends me greatly and I bite my tongue, someone pleases me and does something completely amazing and I smirk. Is this who I am. I am not proud of this. This is who I am.

I am not Proud.

Hold on, while I go outside and scream.

No, no I did no such thing. Here I sat staring at my reflection in a monitor gone black. Strangely fitting, me alone surrounded by black, lost in a sea of calm and yet there just below the surface, almost visible, lies life. So this is how you see me, just a moment ago as rage flowed thru me, where was its mark? Can we spot the signs of its passage? There. A slightly furrowed brow, a small compression of the lips. The look when you don’t recall where you left your phone. Yet somehow here I sit, the way I am is the way I should be. Or at least this is what I tell myself so that I never come to the realization of how wrong I am.

My mind spews vitriol and my face lies. Where does all this emotion go? So much of it, unspoken, unvoiced, unacted, unexpressed. We who bottle it all up don’t explode in bouts of emotion, no. No. We slowly and surely implode, sucking it all into ourselves, hating every muted emotion. And the face breaks into a half formed sneer.

If nature is beautiful, why aren't we?

Often we hear the idea get back to nature, perhaps we were never there. Humans operate above nature. We were designed to not fit with nature.

“When it is a matter of nature, we rarely find ourselves on familiar ground. At every step, there is something that humiliates and mortifies proud minds. A snails shell is one of the marvels of the universe.

The shells of ancient ammonites are constructed around an almost logarithmic axis, and even today Kitawans of the South Pacific view the Spiral of the Nautilus Pompilius as the ultimate symbol of perfection” (taken piecemeal from ‘House of Leaves’ by Mark Z. Danielewski)

There is an effect of repeating nature and how much beauty it can create, perfect in its consistency, and we humans fail to fit in this scheme. This is perhaps one of the greatest strengths of man, that we can be ugly. We can choose it and accept it. Imperfections draw us, define us, and create us. This feature of human kind, this flaw, it defines us, creates us, without this we would operate at the level of animals

Hitler had it wrong. How can we seek to eradicate wholesale weakness and imperfection, this is too seek to destroy ourselves, our humanity. Our drives come from out weaknesses. Our weakness causes us to fight against ourselves to seek improvement, to strengthen our weaknesses and to hide our imperfections. And thus we have created ourselves anew. Everything about me is temporary wait a few moments and I will be gone. Good, evil, sinner, saint, knowledge, innocence. With every passing moment I am yet again a stranger, yet still so familiar. Life is Pain, Time is Death, Self is Delusion.

It is our flaws that make us human, it is our illogic that makes us greater then the animals, it is our humanity that allows us to become Gods.

But still we wish to stop time, to mitigate it’s effects and to continue in a state of comfort familiarity and constance. Permanence is a strange idea that fails to work, it tries to defy time but time destroys, consumes, distorts, withers, changes, nurtures, and creates. This state of change is what gives hope, allows me to live with myself when I am not who I wish to be, and keeps me from swearing off the whole human race as a lost cause.

Fallen Angels - Ra

Fallen, broken. Simply dissolved into an incomplete thought. An empty shell, cracked, and disfigured. With no remorse, I have been blinded by the darkness. With no disdain, I have received my punishment. And with no haste, I await them.

Individualism is a lie we must cherish

I was talking with Trevor and he told me two things I wish to address here. While reading my most recent blog post he was unsure of what side of the argument I was on, if I even agreed with the points I was making. Now this is something I do occasionally, argue androgynously. Kind of a verbal banter while working thru a question and if I do not come to a conclusion or get distracted by a new question it sometimes stays that way. And second he stated Ryan is wrong, something about this needs to be argued with, but what? What is actually the idea we are looking at?

And so I attempt to clarify my position and hopefully the thought in itself.

It seems to me that individualism is a philosophy of unrestricted personal freedom. Though the more I look at it the more I think that our idea of individualism is broken, that is flawed in some way. Do we reach to individualism for some kind of self-worth or identity, or do we reach out for a reason, an excuse?

Individualism protects us from mob rule, from doing that which we would not otherwise do. For example, some people take up smoking or drinking, as a sign of their freedom, to declare independence from the church. While others, under pressure from friends or society, find their independence in the church. These people take opposite actions yet both find that freedom which they felt was withheld, missing or being attacked.

Individualism is a way for us to keep our own moral codes, it allows us to portray on the outside what we feel on the inside.

However if we find a community that shares our individual philosophies then we can join it and accept its rules and boundaries and not feel our individualism offended. How many of us say everyone takes showers so to display my individualism I am heretofore refusing such a mindless act the mob has placed into our heads? Our individualism gets offended when we do not agree with an idea that we feel is foisted upon us. Community is effective when it is chosen, but forced community is generally oppressive for those within it.

Issues come up when we are born into a society, and some of these societies are difficult to get out of. If I decide that I disagree enough with Canadian policy that I no longer wish to be part of the Canadian community, what can I do? There is no longer any frontier land that I can go claim as everything is already owned. What is a man to do without becoming illegal? Sometimes all we can think to do is complain and hope someone hears us. We cry foul whenever our desires are being denied, I cry foul. And as anyone who has gotten me ranting for any amount of time knows, I despise socialism, it hurts my sensibilities. Did you know that Canada spent in excess of $172 billion last year on health care, this works out to about $5,200 per person. Wow, yeah urg, that just chaps me something fierce. But I am not getting into that here, ignoring it and moving on.

Rejection of the politics of where I am born leads me to reduce the effect that they have in my life and I have been drawn to the idea of a commune to express my individualism from society. Yet, even in my individualism I am drawn into community. One reason this makes so much sense is that individualism is an ineffective way of life. I am not good enough to do everything on my own. I have a finite amount of time allotted to me, I can spend it learning how to build an effective house for the climate or learning to play the piano, I must choose to not learn one thing so I can learn another. Time is my enemy, so much to learn and do, and yet here I sit in my darkened room, writing. Anyway, to beat this enemy called time we gather, gather with people who are sufficiently alike and different from ourselves. We form symbiotic relationships where I no longer have to know how to make music to appreciate it, where my skills complement the skills of others. Life is more effective when there is a multitude of people to share the responsibilities and efforts of continuing existence and joy. Yet still here alone in dark, I secretly wish I could be skilled with everything, to be truly independent and autonomous. Why do I feel shame for my reliance on others? Pride refuses to let me accept it.

And a short thought about individualism in religion. Since religion is truth from a source greater then man and not a democracy, disagreement leads to nothing but a single solution. Agree or leave. Without constancy and steadiness unity falters, but without change individualism suffers.

Buddhism and the Supreme Being

There have been a couple times in the last week where I have been involved in discussions where someone assigns Buddhism a supreme being. While they do have the venerated Buddha (Siddhārtha Gautama ), he is not a creator god. There is, in fact, no creator god in Buddhism.

Buddhism does acknowledges the existence of supernatural beings called devas. However the life of a deva is only temporary, they like the humans are still stuck in samsara (the continual cycle of death and rebirth). They are still subject to the sufferings of samsara and the effects of Karma. The deva are no closer to nirvana then humans and in fact being born a deva offers too many pleasures and distractions to inspire a serious motivation for meditation and selflessness. So it is believed that the human realm is best for realizing full enlightenment.

This lack of a supreme being also causes what to me is one of the attractions of Buddhism. The removal of the supreme creator turns the theology/philosophy into a logical process. The Buddha analyzed the problem of suffering, diagnosed its root cause and prescribed a method to dispel suffering. There were no visitations, no miracles, no reliance in belief of the unseen or emotion. Buddhist philosophy doesn’t ask you to imagine that which cannot be seen, or to understand the difference between God touching the soul and human emotion. It is logically understandable by the mind alone and, thus most importantly, replicable.

Does the individual have a place in Mormon ideology??

This thought was inspired by a brilliant post by my good friend Gaddian called ‘womanhood rant’. You can find her and the post over there ------> yep there she is, go read her stuff, I will wait.

I do not envy the role of women. While in early Mormon history and male dominated society you were a wife, an almost subservient being whose purpose is to create happiness for the husband. Now, in the women empowered future, you are to be a glorified baby factory, a container wherein is held the glorious and deific womb. From Wife to Mother, the placement did not change merely the angle wherein we view it.

Individualism is hard to place, If we look at scriptural examples of Zion societies. (Acts 4:31-35 (shortly after Christ’s mortal ministry), 4 Nephi 1:2-6, 10-18 (after his visit to America), Moses 7:17-21 (the city of Enoch), and D&C 42:18-36 (revealed law for early Mormondom). There is a common theme of Unity, being one heart and one mind. “I say unto you, be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine.” This relegation of individualism seems to thread its way thru much of our religious thought.

Marriage, genealogy (turning hearts of fathers to sons and sons to fathers), The family unit, sealings, being one with Christ, being one heart and one mind, all things being equal and common. We are fairly insistent on removing individuality from godliness and of pointing out the fact that we cannot be saved alone. Even to achieve the greatest glory in God’s kingdom, exaltation in the highest degree, requires a voluntary loss of the individual. Exaltation is an eternal union between a man and a woman never to be separated, or between a man and three women for all those of you with polygamous tendencies.

However, there is a dissonance between this idea of Unity and Agency, the concept of teaching people correct principles and allowing them to govern themselves. Where does unity end and personal choice begin? Why have this great gift of agency only to be told how to use it.

I had this conversation with myself. What is the greatest thing to do with your agency? Why to do what god wants you to do of course. But is that not Satan’s plan, to take our freedom and return us safely to heaven? God is not taking our freedom we are giving it to him. But this works out to the same thing, a society which completely accepts Gods plan will look exactly the same as one that would have developed under Satan’s. Except with God you choose it.

Is wanting to follow gods will paramount or is merely doing it sufficient? You cannot compel Zion, Zion requires a people who want. You cannot force people to care about others. This must develop organically out of people’s desires and beliefs, so the question then stands how do we get a society to think this way? Is our current teachings the best solution or should we be approaching it another way. Are we more likely to achieve wanting to do good as individuals or as a part of a faceless mass?

Fogetting the Holocaust

Recently I received thru the email, a powerpoint presentation that was condemning the UK for banning the teaching of the holocaust in its school systems. This email offended me with its prejudiced style, odd spelling contractions, over use of caps, and lack of purpose. Oh, plus the fact that it completely ignores the facts and still spouts drivel with vigor. Yet another chain email spread about by mass hysteria and dogmatic assumptions. But it did get me thinking. Is there a reason to remember The Holocaust?

The Holocaust makes just a small portion of the total genocide perpetrated in the last century, what about other travesties in recent history? The genocide in Rwanda, atrocities in Sudan and Cambodia, Sierra Leone and blood diamond wars, Algeria, India, Pakistan, Ireland, Ethiopia, Kosovo, and Hiroshima. Have we have already forgotten those?

Must we remember The Holocaust to know the travesties that man can cause? Must we remember to know how far hate can take us? How it can blind entire nations, consume the heart, and destroy the soul? Must we remember the individuals, the Kitty Genovese’s, to know of this trait in humans that make us inhuman and to know that perhaps man truly is evil, or at the very least prone to fall into evil. Perhaps. Perhaps.

Now I don’t write this by way of suggesting we forget or of supporting those who wish it gone. But to make a comment about history, about what concerns us in our lives, how we hold on to some things but let others pass us by or fall off, and perhaps a little about education, about whose role it is to educate and who determines what we should learn.

I propose that remembrance of itself is unimportant, that alone it is not enough. We need to know that history will happen again and that we could again sit by and watch it unfold as we did, to say this is not my concern and put it out of our minds. To remember and to see in ourselves the human frailties and weaknesses that causes these shameful marks on the name of man. Then we need to fight against our weaknesses. Perhaps then we will have learned from history and stop the cycle of repetition.

I will leave off with a section from Elie Wiesel’s speech ‘The Perils of Indifference’ and I would highly suggest looking up and reading the entire thing.

“… indifference can be tempting -- more than that, seductive. It is so much easier to look away from victims. It is so much easier to avoid such rude interruptions to our work, our dreams, our hopes. It is, after all, awkward, troublesome, to be involved in another person's pain and despair. Yet, for the person who is indifferent, his or her neighbor are of no consequence. And, therefore, their lives are meaningless. Their hidden or even visible anguish is of no interest. Indifference reduces the Other to an abstraction.”

This is who I am

I have always held a fascination with philosophy, how people view the world and thus how they deal in life and more interesting what questions then occupy their thoughts. This is something worth thinking about, yet philosophy has a cruel habit of enticing you in with the promise of answers to life's great questions. Who am I?, Why am I here? Where am I going? What is worth spending my limited time at? Yet time and time again as I run fascinated and dazzled thru philosophy's golden gates I am brought face to face not with answers but questions. Deeper I dive and there they are more questions, always under and behind that question is yet another, and another, and another.. philosophy is an bottomless well of questions. You come in wondering Who Am I?? but now you have stayed adrift in it too long and have lost everything, "Who are you?" That's what I am here to find out "Is there even a you?" Yes there must be, I exist in the world. "Which world is that? is there even a world to exist in?" Yes, I see it, touch it and feel it "Ahh but are not perceptions merely you trying to put form to that which is external to you?" Perhaps "So the world may, in fact, not exist?" Well I suppose that is a possibility, but I think therefore I am "Trite, but how can you be sure there is thought and that it originates from you?" umm, well I. Wait who are you? "Am I not you?" Ah ha, so I do exist! "We have not established that yet." *curses*.... .. "I ask again Do you even exist?" I don't know maybe, but if I don't exist then neither do you "That is most probable yes." You are not going to help me at all are you? "If you wanted answers you should have taken math." Great.

And so then after you lose yourself you try to escape to claw yourself to stable ground by assuming you exist and starting there "that's cheating" I'm ignoring you "You can't do that forever I will always be here!" stop it.

And thus you end up back where you started only this time with more questions. And this is why I love philosophy, it argues much better then I do.

"I am glad you think so highly of me"

shut up

Carrying on. I ran across this poem and decided it was largely genius.

Who Am I?

by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Who am I? They often tell me

I stepped from my cell’s confinement

Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,

Like a squire from his country-house.

Who am I? They often tell me

I used to speak to my warders

Freely and friendly and clearly,

As though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me

I bore the days of misfortune

Equally, smilingly, proudly,

Like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?

Or am I only what I myself know of myself?

Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,

Struggling for breath, as though hands were

compressing my throat,

Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,

Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,

Tossing in expectation of great events,

Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,

Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,

Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?

Am I one person today and tomorrow another?

Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,

And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?

Or is something within me still like a beaten army,

Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.

Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!

There at the beginning of the second paragraph "Am I then really all that which other men tell of? Or am I only what I myself know of myself?" Self perception theory states that we develop our attitudes by observing our behavior and concluding what attitudes must have caused them, thus we develop our knowledge of our attitudes in the same manner we develop them in others and they in us. So am I really who I think I am or am I who others think I am, if we perceive who we are in similar manners could not they be more accurate in seeing who I am then I am in seeing myself?? I am outnumbered, If all others are in agreement of who I am and mine is the only dissenting voice who is wrong? Or are we all deluding ourselves and think that we understand others cause we think we understand ourselves?

Am I anything other then what you see in me? On a sufficient timeline that will be my legacy, am I anything other then your rememberances? When I am gone who will I be but what I am in you. So I pray to all who care to remember me, lie a little for me. Perhaps then when I am become something more then I am now, I will have become good enough and deserve the rememberance.