Trials

When God know you are capable of more and is just convincing you of it.

The sign of a heart two sizes too small.

The more I explore the concept of who I am the more I realize how deeply entrenched the lies I tell myself run. Who am I? Oddly enough I am an emotional broken man. But you could never tell by looking at me. How do I expect others to see thru to me and then on thru me, to what I can no longer find. I physically injure myself and I bite my tongue, someone offends me greatly and I bite my tongue, someone pleases me and does something completely amazing and I smirk. Is this who I am. I am not proud of this. This is who I am.

I am not Proud.

Hold on, while I go outside and scream.

No, no I did no such thing. Here I sat staring at my reflection in a monitor gone black. Strangely fitting, me alone surrounded by black, lost in a sea of calm and yet there just below the surface, almost visible, lies life. So this is how you see me, just a moment ago as rage flowed thru me, where was its mark? Can we spot the signs of its passage? There. A slightly furrowed brow, a small compression of the lips. The look when you don’t recall where you left your phone. Yet somehow here I sit, the way I am is the way I should be. Or at least this is what I tell myself so that I never come to the realization of how wrong I am.

My mind spews vitriol and my face lies. Where does all this emotion go? So much of it, unspoken, unvoiced, unacted, unexpressed. We who bottle it all up don’t explode in bouts of emotion, no. No. We slowly and surely implode, sucking it all into ourselves, hating every muted emotion. And the face breaks into a half formed sneer.

If nature is beautiful, why aren't we?

Often we hear the idea get back to nature, perhaps we were never there. Humans operate above nature. We were designed to not fit with nature.

“When it is a matter of nature, we rarely find ourselves on familiar ground. At every step, there is something that humiliates and mortifies proud minds. A snails shell is one of the marvels of the universe.

The shells of ancient ammonites are constructed around an almost logarithmic axis, and even today Kitawans of the South Pacific view the Spiral of the Nautilus Pompilius as the ultimate symbol of perfection” (taken piecemeal from ‘House of Leaves’ by Mark Z. Danielewski)

There is an effect of repeating nature and how much beauty it can create, perfect in its consistency, and we humans fail to fit in this scheme. This is perhaps one of the greatest strengths of man, that we can be ugly. We can choose it and accept it. Imperfections draw us, define us, and create us. This feature of human kind, this flaw, it defines us, creates us, without this we would operate at the level of animals

Hitler had it wrong. How can we seek to eradicate wholesale weakness and imperfection, this is too seek to destroy ourselves, our humanity. Our drives come from out weaknesses. Our weakness causes us to fight against ourselves to seek improvement, to strengthen our weaknesses and to hide our imperfections. And thus we have created ourselves anew. Everything about me is temporary wait a few moments and I will be gone. Good, evil, sinner, saint, knowledge, innocence. With every passing moment I am yet again a stranger, yet still so familiar. Life is Pain, Time is Death, Self is Delusion.

It is our flaws that make us human, it is our illogic that makes us greater then the animals, it is our humanity that allows us to become Gods.

But still we wish to stop time, to mitigate it’s effects and to continue in a state of comfort familiarity and constance. Permanence is a strange idea that fails to work, it tries to defy time but time destroys, consumes, distorts, withers, changes, nurtures, and creates. This state of change is what gives hope, allows me to live with myself when I am not who I wish to be, and keeps me from swearing off the whole human race as a lost cause.

Fallen Angels - Ra

Fallen, broken. Simply dissolved into an incomplete thought. An empty shell, cracked, and disfigured. With no remorse, I have been blinded by the darkness. With no disdain, I have received my punishment. And with no haste, I await them.